fingertip to painted lip

11 days

2005-10-16T23:03:24Z

only 11 days until i see my love

11 days till im complete again

past the halfway mark!!

2005-10-06T12:01:17Z

its 21 days until i get to see my man ♥ im 1 day past the halfway mark! i havent talked to him in 9 days and its hard, but i know these last 3 weeks of basic are crucial because of all the academic and physical testing. We're booking our flight and im goin got be in Lackland Texas for 4 days<3. WE have to fly into san antonio, but its all good, being that i live in FL. its just a little bit west of us. The flight shouldnt be bad, its the time difference thats gonna get me. I think that their one houir ahead of us, or maybe its behind....whatever! the important thing is that i get to see my man and kiss him and hug him and hear his hearbeat. thats all ill ever need.

i suppose that ill have to get used to this kind of life if he chooses a career in the USAF. But its worth it to me. Call me crazy but i will do anything to ensure that we work out. We;re going to be okay, and we're boith staying strong. I know that my support is crucial to his sucess but sometimes its hard not to cry. sometimes i break down, but then i just read the letters he has sent and look through pictures and its all worth it.

its been 22 days, and im going to do this.

jumpin_java @ 2005-10-02T10:27:00

2005-10-02T14:27:27Z

I have seen to many sad eyes look at me,
Eyes that set me free,
All the places that I've been.

Thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait for me,
For me.

Your words,
Your words help me to see
A little honesty
In a world that doesn't share
And those eyes
Tell the story of your pain
Severity of your disdain
In a world that doesn't care.

So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait

We, we understand my pain.
From this I gather strength,
That we are the same.

So thank you for the letters that you thought you wrote in vain
And times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait

The life I live will never be the same without you

im living in your letters

2005-09-27T23:19:59Z

i just got a phonecall from my love!

hearing his voice makes me happy inside

i think i appreciated that 12 minute conversation more than anything

i still love him and i always will

jumpin_java @ 2005-09-23T16:38:00

2005-09-22T20:23:50Z

we could conquer the world, if we could, say that forever, is more than just a word

i miss him more than anything. this distance really has prooven something to me

hes my world

dream for me...

2005-09-06T17:16:57Z

so, nick leaves in a week, its sad but my journal seems as if it is some sad countdown. I'm so used to knowing how i am going to feel when given a certain situation, but this one, i have no idea how it is going to make me feel. and thats scary. its as if all of my emotions are premeditated. 7 weeks will probably seem like a lifetime. BUT at least we're staying together. Sometimes, i feel as if hes the only one who can save me from myself

1 year anniversary

2005-08-30T16:39:23Z

nick and i had our one year anniversary!!!!!!! yay

it was amazing, i spent the night at his house on saturday and woke up with him looking at me "you're so beautiful when you sleep." he told me. We made a homemade breakfast and layed in bed most of the day, talking about all the amazing things we've done and all the memories we have made, we talked breifly about him leaving.....ive decided not to be so selfish in wanting to keep him here. the only thing that i can do is wait for him and never stop loving him.

we went on a dinner cruise from 6:30 - 10:00 pm. it was fantastic, we stood on the deck and watched the sunset "we are more than most will ever have." he told me and kissed me hard right in front of all the poeple standing there. in that moment we were invincible.
"your the love of my life i told him
"i know" he replied

ill be everything she ever was

2005-08-25T19:27:31Z

summer has come and gone and lifes trials have taught me alot about myself as a person....im sorry that it seemed as if i took a hiatus on you all....things have just been going to quick.

i know that some of you are going to college and others are starting the l;ast year of their high school careers. i just wanted to wish you all the best. Nick leaves in 3 weeks. its almost like one of those things that you know is going to happen but it wont seem real. i dont think that it will seem real until i go to call him and realize he wontbe there to pick up. i wont realize until my heart starts aching. i just have to tak eit one day at a time. i iknow that the last thing that he would ever want was for me to be depressed and sad and i refuse to let myself turn into my own enemy. I dont want to be the reason fo rmy own sadness. yes, nick leaving is probaby going to be one of the worst feelings ill ever have, but hes the love of my life....further giving meaning to the "if you love something let it go" mantra.

point is, im going to need alot of hugs, kisses and nights of chick flicks and ben and jerry. i know that he still loves me and i know that he is (more importantly) in love with me. these next couple of months, days, weeks, whatever are going to suck, but on a happier note, hes accomlishing his dream and i want nothing else but to support him i am so selfish for wanting to keep him all to myself

im a proponant for destiny and fate as well as optomism.

and just in case your reading this...we are all that we will ever need.

jumpin_java @ 2005-07-16T11:07:00

2005-07-15T14:56:21Z

i love this youth because i have found love in it

i damn this youth because people think im too young to love forever.

this is forever

jumpin_java @ 2005-06-27T22:32:00

2005-06-28T02:32:58Z

no one should ever call there love vindicated.

you shouldnt have to defend your love. if you have to defend it all the time then you don't have anytime to actually love eachother.

stupid people.

nick and i like to call our love commited..as in always and forever. children.

god i love him.

jumpin_java @ 2005-06-26T21:43:00

2005-06-27T01:48:00Z

rape it
hate it
~~love~~ it

love is a divine thing

2005-06-17T16:13:19Z

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are flexible and ready for anything!

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

you cn't ignore everything that makes you who you are

2005-06-14T16:17:21Z

So i'll get dressed up, paint my nails and maybe even get my hair done
I'll do all these things just to be perfect for your night
because right now i am feel beautiful
Its not always whats on the inside that counts
ill look beautiful for everyone to see
but ill only feel beautiful for you

yes, im following the rules suicidalbambi...lol

2005-06-08T04:14:11Z

[01] Name one possession you cannot live without. Why?
[02] Which is worse, a teenage actor trying to sing or a teen pop star trying to act?
[03] What is your tragic flaw and saving grace?
[04] Everyone has a strange talent (I can cross my toes!). What's yours?
[05] Some say laughter is the best medicine. What do you believe?

<1> I can't live without this one picture of me and my boyfriend kissing, and i know how cliche' this must sound but its not for the purpose of people looking at it and the satisfaction of getting an ~~"aw, you guys are like so like cute,"~~ . It is just a constant reminder that i trusted someone with my heart. i gave someone else the power to become a part of me. I gave someone the power to break my heart along with the trust that he wouldn't. I fell in love and he is my soulmate. Its a constant reminder of how letting my guard down, gave me confidence and someone who will be by my side to listen to my thoughts rater then venting to a page of my diary i did it and iim somewhat proud of myself.

<2>A teenage actor trying to sing. no need for lengthy explanation here.

<3>My tragic flaw is not letting people see the angry and sad side of me. I find this constant need to be happy or at least seem happy. In my head, if im strong for people around me and i keep being an optomist, than they will be okay. For some reason i need to have the people around me happy.
My saving grace is the simple fact that i can unwind when needed. If i know that im too stressed or i feel pressed to do something i can walk away for a little while to logically think of things. I dont really procrastinate it either. I just wait until im level headed and it allows me to make more fulfilling logical decisions.

<4> Uhm, my strange talent is that i can pop my shoulder blades. :)

<5> I believe that time is the best medicine. You can laigh whenever you want to inm order to mask something else. Time is the best healer.

recovery

2005-06-03T20:24:51Z

When I wake up,
I want to see you.
I need to hear you.
I want to live your life.
In my day, I fail to see.
I fail to seek the one who gives life.
I've looked away from your grace.
You've been waiting at the gates.
I'm running, you're standing still.
It's been so long since I've been here.
It's time to come back again.
It's time to make correction.
Slain to the past.
Recovery (resurrect me) undeserving.
You love me still.
You're love, I love.
I've run away 1000 times
I've run away for the last time.
And I'm alone with bleeding and broken hands.
It's been so long since I've seen your love.

no, i didnt write this, still remains did. but i do have a reflection about it.
This song is all about how everyone looks away from God and how no matter what he is still there, no matter how far you run or stray. We are all undeserving of his love, simply because of the fact that we all sin and we all make decisions that do not reflect the better of us. im not preaching here believe me. i never go to church. i really never pay much attention in religion class and although i go to a catholic school, that doesnt make me any different or more worth or whatever. Im not saying that you should go to church every sunday. im not saying that i am the super christian or that i am any better than any one of you. because i definetly am not. But i am saying, that what you have, you did aquire by yourself. If you got somewhere because of your talent than you have to thank whomever you believe in for allowing you to discover your talent.
you are never alone. you are never unloved. so cut this "everyone hates me, noone loves me crap" <----not that im speaking to anyone is particular.
just take a moment to thank him for everything you have
everyone has something

jumpin_java @ 2005-06-01T10:38:00

2005-06-01T14:49:33Z

since i left new york i have become a completely different person. Its not a bad thing, not a change that would really affect any relationship i had in new york, its just that im better, more healthy and i am happy. i didn't do this myself i had someone helping me every step of the way. So this is a thank you to him.

Nick, you are the only reason that i am who i am now. You've loved me through the good days and the days when i needed someone to listen to me so that i can ge tmy thoughts out, and then divert my head somewhere else so my mind can come to terms with how what i was upset over, wasen't worth it. You've helped me to appreciate the ones around me and you've taught me what love is. You've shown me how lovely it is to be in love and its to the point where i cant live without knowing that your happy. Its just dependable love. You've loved me despite every bad habit (which youve helped me overcome), everyday when i was a little sad, and everytime i kept you on the phone for hours just to talk. I love you more than any words could explain and the way that you can constantly keep me confident and happy is something that nothing could take the place of. Your one in a million
amazing
my sunshine
and i will always, always
love you

its been a long time

2005-05-31T21:03:26Z

i know that i havent updated in like 285-258-23986-29560-252856 years, but let me explain, i had final exams and i was studying and i almost killed myself. anyway, since its summer and im going to have time to gather my thoughts and everything that is going on around me, i do plan on updating frequently wiht pictures and poems, and just any random thing, ill also be posting the beginnings of a story that im writing AND i will be commenting on all of your journals....another thing, im editing my friends lists. anyone who is not a friend with me but i am a friend of, will be deleted from ym friends lists.
im also going to be applying for groups on livejournal and get active in communities....i love you all so keep in contact with me, sorry i haven't been around often.

i enjoy reading each an everyone of your journals and you are all beautiful people

jumpin_java @ 2005-05-05T18:18:00

2005-05-04T22:09:16Z

http://www.mjmorningshow.com/cc-common/feeds/view.php?feed_id=263&feed=/mainfeed.html&instance=1&article_id=20665

i dont like simple plan at ALL but this music video is so breathtaking...watch it.

jumpin_java @ 2005-05-01T17:37:00

2005-05-01T21:38:16Z

alrighty...

i went to grad night with nick and a bunch of jis friends and needless to say we had an amazing time....

ill post more later about it.

anyway. just wanted to let you know...my boyfriends the best.

end.

my mommy is cleaning my room

2005-04-23T16:30:02Z

mommy love ♥

anyway...im on...
1)an inhaler
2)an antibiotic (pill form)
3)cough syrup (syrup form)

blech....bronchtis can kiss my ass.

but! i had a great time with nick yesterday and i get to see him tommorow

read it. now.

2005-04-18T16:36:40Z

i hate how innocent beautiful girls feel the need to form to some mold because that is what peeople tell them is beautiful. Over time i feel that girls loose their sense of individuality and self-respect because the standards of what society and the people around them set. For example, there is a girl sitting next to me, with so much mascara on that it looks like she drew long lines from her lower eye lid with eyeliner. Her mascara and eyeliner are so dark that it melts into her eye. She has so much blush on that you dont know what her natural skin color is. She has a fake tan which she probably got from countless hours of roasting herself in a tanning bed. yeah, this is what we call beautiful. I wonder what happens when she goes home and looks at herself. Does she wear all of that makeup because she has something to hide? If she walks out of the house without makeup, is she embarrased? What happens if she cries? I think that her whole face would turn black from mascara and eyeliner and she would go blind from the burning in her pupils. Maybe she puts all of that makeup on just to feel that pain. To take her mind off of the reason that she is crying in the first place.

this is what we call beautiful. yeah, really fucking beautiful

i cant believe its already friday

2005-04-15T12:04:27Z

okay, so i have a bio test in like 30 minutes that i havent studied for. i tried. kind of. but its so boring. im sorry for not caring about molds, fungi and how they move. whatever. we had a softball game yesterday and we won. it was good so yay for that. we have ANOTHER softball game today and nick is coming because hes the most amazing supportive sexy and fucking hto boyfriend ever after that i dunno whats going on.

tommorow i have yet another softball game with some miami team that i going to kick our asses. nick is spending the night, it shall be grand. sunday, theres something that im doing that i cant remember. monday is the green day my chemical romance show. not really the type of music i listen to but itll be fun, im going with courtney and nick and i most likely wont go to school on tuesday. ive missed so much school between gettin gout early for softball and just not feeling like it that its ridiculous.

fuck. i just realized that i didnt do any of my world history work...thats second period after i bomb my biology test. but thats okay, i have the weekend to do it.

and to make my day that much better i have a math test 4th period. can i get a freaking break here. whatever. its friday and i get to see my lovie so its all good.

sorry for boring you all but i figured id start updating more.

<3always

hell yes

2005-04-13T16:34:52Z

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...

one of my favorite fucking songs of all time.

theend

jumpin_java @ 2005-04-06T08:03:00

2005-04-06T12:05:49Z

HOLY FUCKING SHIT MAN.

YOU ALL BETTER DOWNLOAD OR HAVE SOME WAY OF OBTAINING MUSIC BECAUSE JEWELS- PAINTERS IS SO BEAUTIFUL...

i woke up this morning
and i felt whole again

i love you lovie

this is not a passing fate

2005-03-31T13:53:40Z

im really really tired and aching and i cant stand sunburn anymore...im never ever going to the beach again.dammit.

for chrissie:
samantha schuele
tampa florida

(i dont know if i forgot anything)